I don’t know if any of you know this – perhaps my friend over at insanitybytes might remember a hint or two – but aside from my blog here on wordpress, I also have one of the same name on tumblr. And a particular brother in Christ I follow on there has made a very enlightening post about apologetics and debates between Christians and atheists.
When I started believing in Christ through apologetics, reason started out as being the basis for my faith. Christianity seemed to me to be either the truth or the closest thing to it, so I accepted it as truth.
It wasn’t long after my first leap of faith that I engaged in my first debate with an atheist. Truth be told, at some points my faith was shaken. Then after the debate I learned of better arguments to counter the ones that I had difficulties with. Then the process continued when I debated another atheist, and another…
During this time, however, I was spiritually strengthening my faith in God. I was reading the Bible, praying, looking after family and friends. I was worshiping God, delighting in His creations and His presence. I started sleeping a lot better, too – every night after my bedtime prayers I would fall asleep with an inexplicable calm, like there was a blanket wrapping around my heart. I felt like a baby falling asleep in my Daddy’s arms.
Right now I’m at a place where twisted words and intellectual arguments, no matter how seemingly clever or convincing, cannot shake me out of my faith. It sounds like foolishness, as if I’m completely surrendering all reason. But what can I say, Jesus fits into my life like a missing puzzle piece, with a pattern so precise that no other piece could fit quite as well. It’s something you can only recognize when you’re there. There’s a reason God says in the Bible – “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jer 29:13)
It kind of feels like falling into a bottomless pit when you’re out there searching, waiting for God to catch you. But if there’s one thing I trust 100%, is that He always, always will. His arms will be wide open and you will be caught with the greatest care.
I remember one night sitting awake full of doubts and theories. I was grasping at all the arguments I knew that strongly supported God’s existence, the problem being that I was looking for my own reason rather than looking for the Source of my reason.
So I was free-falling for a second, just thinking, “God, if You’re real, which I’m pretty sure You are, then I trust You to quell the anxiety within me.” And God rushed in and pierced through the doubting and the ruminating, like, “I’m here, Ada, and I did not give you a spirit of fear.”
The point is, you can try and rationalize away God all you like. But what you may never understand is just how fulfilled spirit-filled Christians are. We really feel like all the stars are aligned, almost every day (I say “almost” only because sometimes we stop looking, not that God ever stops being there). The pieces are set. The jigsaw is complete. We just cannot fathom anything greater than being in the presence of God. Many of us have experienced a lot of the things the world has to offer. Travel is all well and good, but after you’ve visited a place one too many times, you tend to feel quite sick, kind of like when you were sitting at home wishing you were somewhere else. The grass always seems greener on the other side when you’re in the world, but when you’re with God, you tend to see that the grass is always greener than everywhere else. What can I say, 110% love and support 110% of the time is pretty amazing, not to mention God always has a million ways to amaze you, in different ways every time.
Where I am right now, I mean, reason and good arguments are pretty great. But God’s love and grace is even better.